A Summer Morning [02 Apr 2002|02:34pm] [ mood | drained ] A Summer Morning As my eyelids begin to creep open and slowly allow the sunlight to pass through, I am awakened with a feeling of joy. I take a few deep breaths and the sweet smell of a summer morning seem to engulf my otherwise lifeless body. At last, my eyes fully open and a smile begins to form as if welcoming a new day. Gradually my ears awaken and are greeted with a lovely bird-song. There?s something so magical about the sound of a bird singing it?s soul to you in the morning hours. As I listen away, the cloudiness in my head is slowly overcome by the sunlight passing through the room and I become overwhelmed with a feeling of peace. Slowly coming to, I feel a warm, tingling sensation in the tips of my fingers. I wiggle and stretch each finger one by one until they are completely awaken. I clench my fists and stretch my arms as far as they can reach. This force causes my spine to turn slightly one way, then the other. It almost seems as if my arms are engaging in a peaceful game of ?Tug of War? with one another. The tingling sensation creates a domino effect on my body and as my spine is awakened by it, it moves on to my hips. Then to my thighs. From there, to my knees. From my knees to my calves, and lastly to my feet. I move my feet in circles and wiggle my toes feeling every muscle respond and awaken. When I feel confident that my morning stretch is fully complete, I sit up ever so slowly. I place my hands beside me and slowly slide my groggy legs across the bed. I slither until at last, my toes can feel the furriness of the rug beneath them. Pulling my arms over my head, I take one last stretch toward the ceiling as if reaching for the sky. Fully awaken now, I take in a last deep breath, almost as if trying to cleanse my entire body and replace it with fresh morning air for the start of a new day. As I stand up and take my first step into this new day, I truly begin to appreciate the importance of that first ray of light that seeps through the crack of one?s eyelids on a beautiful summer morning. post comment

the big WHAT IF? [05 Dec 2001|03:02pm] [ mood | confused ] Why have I fallen so hard for someone who has no interest in me? Why do they have to be so great? is it better for me to forget the whole idea? That's what I always do, I know I'll get over it, in time. However, do I really want to get over it? Or am I just giving up because I'm afraid to keep trying? Every time something gets a little too hard, or it doesn't look like I'll get what I want, I give up. But what if? Just what if I kept it up, and was honest, with them and myself, and it worked out in the end? They always tell me to be honest, and that you can't sit around and wait for things to happen. So, maybe they're right. Slow down now, what if they're wrong? Then what? Well, i don't think it would be all that bad. i mean, I would've failed, but if I don't try, I don't have a chance to win, right? What about the friendship we've waited for for so long, how will this be affected? If I push them, will that be ruined? Is it worth the chance? Believe me, if I knew the answers to these seemingly simple, yet oh so complicated questions, I guess I wouldn't be sitting here writing like a madwoman, now would I? So, (deep breath), the outcome? Who knows? If only computers could talk, right? Till then, Love Always, Bea post comment

LIfe [07 Nov 2001|01:24am] [ mood | blah ] Ok, so maybe it's not appropriate to title one's journal entry life, because let's face it, no journal entry could possibly sum up the entirety of one's life, however, here's a little of what's going on inside of my world as of today. You see, I understand I haven't written in quite some time, however, LIFE, as I know it, hasn't been very cundusive to quality journal writing. And even though procrastination is my forte, there comes a time when you just can't put something off any further. So, here is a brief update for those who choose to take the time and read through this relentless jumble. It all started a few weeks ago, I began a new job at Telespectrum. My title is Certified Customer Care Representative,(now you know you're not right for the job if you're too lazy to pronounce your title). Anyway, moving on. Moms wasn't thrilled about the job for the simple fact that I would be beginning said job with my good friend, who's name I will not mention in order to keep other friends. ;o) So, the fact of the matter is that my mother, god love her, didn't want me to be out all night long at work, and then afterwork be too tired to drive, etc.....and nevermind, let's get to the point, the bottom line is that she wants me home. Im not even going to get into all of the details there. So, now I have a new job that mom hates. I'm sure you all know what it feels like to live with your mom, parent, gaurdian, or the like, when they are not happy with a choice you've made. Well, I'm sure if you recall those times, however recent they may be, you will feel my agony here. Secondly, on top of this, I am a full time student. Ok, enough said there. Now that's not all, I do have a social life that I would like to try and keep somewhat in tact....and back to the whole mom situation, she's not particularly thrilled here either, as Im sure you can imagine. Lastly, my lovely cousin decided to fill my mother in with the news that I am an alcoholic.(I think she got confused, you see, I'm not the 18 year old who's prego with my second kid, and spending my nine months smoking and liqouring up to forget about my pain and sorrow while dwelling upon the happiness of every other human being.) Well, there goes any chance I would possibly have of any kind of happiness in the near future, mind you these are all things that don't include those of the normal maturing person, (i.e. money, boyfriends, girlfriends, friends, and what have you.) So, now to sum it up, I am trying to balance school, a new job, friends, relationships and most of all, my mother. No wonder I'm an alcoholic. So, to all of you out there that are feeling this way, or have in the past, I don't know how you could possibly be sane. However, I suppose the only advice I could give any of you is simply to hold on to what you know, that includes the way you think and feel, because at the end of the day everybody is probably gonna hate you for something anyway, so you may as well love yourself, because as cliche as it may seem, you are really and truly all that matters.(See Tommy, I can be a pessimist at times) P.S. At least I have good friends, and Im sure you all know who you are. May it never be cloudy in your hearts. Love Always and Forever, Rainbow Bea :o) 2 comments|post comment

Hella-insane: A bit of break-time rambling [05 Oct 2001|03:13pm] [ mood | InSAnE ] Wow, it's craziness. Lookin for Aaron, and who show up?! SCOOBY!! Damn, that's a face from back in the day. Whenever I see him, all I think about is the night we got smoked out in his broken-down car in his backyard with Sarah and Jamie Tucker. No window, no door policy, 5 words I'll never forget anytime I think of a good clam bake. Now ha passes that up and says he doesn't smoke or drink. And get this, he even says he's celibate. I betchya he'd drop that in a second if a certain Sarah gave him another chance. It's always good to see a familiar face in an un-familiar place though. I mean good for us. All three of us, Sarah, Scooby and myself. Fuck ICT, we're Telespectrum employees now baby! And forget outbound too, we're movin on up in the world these days. Outbounders bow down to us CSRs. They only wish the had it this good! But I'll tell you one thing, don't ever disrespect a telemarketer. Those people will rebuttle your CSR ass into the ground, that's for sure! Myself, I'll never lose respect for the people who continue telemarketing, I've been there, done that, and for the most part, as much as I found issues with it, I loved every minute of it, right down to the precious sound of an angry 80 year old ninny, (who just lost the last of her 8 cats), slamming the phone on your cocky ass! By the way, I think Scooby said I used to wear boy clothes, but anyway, that's of no importance. This is pathetic, we get an hour and 10 minute break and the only thing I have to do is sit here and write. However, I better slow down....must not run out of things to say, or I shall have nothing to do with myself. Let me think....UGH....I have so much shit to do tomorrow!! Ok, here it is, I need to finish my room, clean the house for the inspection, get my car fixed, and oh yeah, there's always a little oral presentation that we need to start tomorrow, oh get this, the best part of that is it's also due Wednesday. Mind you, tomorrow is Tuesday! What the fuck is wrong with Sally, she doesn't know how to pick up a phone and deal?! Shit, she's 24, no car, and can't even get a project together without having the other person, (myself in this case) take care of everything! Ok, I'm going to go smoke a big, fat....CIG....before my head explodes. Much love and Sanity, Bea 1 comment|post comment

Hourglass [24 Sep 2001|08:17pm] [ mood | lonely ] Sometimes it seems as if I am the sand that runs through one's hourglass. You see, as an outsider, looking to pass the time, the sand seems to drop ever so slowly. Time seems to stand still. Yet, for the sand, it is rushing through to the bottom of the glass with nothing to stand in its way. For myself, I seem to play both parts. Hold that thought. Maybe it's not myself that acts as the hourglass or its watcher. Maybe it's life that is the hourglass. Or maybe it's time. Yes, time. You see, nothing gets in the way of time, just as the sand in the hourglass. So if time is the sand, than it is I that plays the role of the watcher. You see, it seems as if I am always watching time. Whether it's for the good or the bad....it never seems as if I am actually living in the moment. Example: If I am beginning a new relationship, I'm not simply letting it run it's course, but I spend my time thinking of how and when it will end. Thereby never really giving it a chance. So, in retrospect, I am only waiting for time, time to pass and said relationship to run its course. However, maybe if I would've actually played a role, like most, the time would've lasted. Maybe it wouldn't have actually lasted longer, but maybe it would have seemed to have lasted longer, or at least been enjoyed and worth the time spent. Now, if the sand is time, and I am the watcher, what is keeping me from controlling time? It's the glass. The glass that contains and somewhat controls the sand. I suppose the glass is life. Yes, it is only life that controls time. And when life stops, for that watcher, so does time. Their time. Maybe your time, or my time. Our time. Time in general. Who knows. The only thing i know for sure is that my hourglass, or my life for that matter, is still full with sand, or time, and it isn't until that sand has fallen through the hourglass that i will truly know my purpose here on earth and not among the many stars that are able to float among the beauty of each other and never have a care in the world. However, I'm sure if one was to approach a star, it would have a whole different story to tell us all. Well, with all of that said, I believe it is time for me to wrap it up. In the meantime, I encourage each of you to take a look at your hourglasses. Love Always, Bea post comment

Boys Suck [08 Sep 2001|06:36pm] [ mood | depressed ] Why is life so confusing? I'm not quite sure how to sum up the events in the past couple of hours, so here is a poem that relates to what is going on. Soulmate We've been soulmates since you were five, I was three. We'd always be together, it would be you and me. It's always been that way and that's the way it would always be. Or so I thought, until that day, you moved so far, far away. The years went by as they always do, the nights were so long, dreaming of you. Now you've returned, only to leave again and that's how it is in the eyes of men. I'll sit here and wait until forever has passed, and hope that someday we'll be together at last. The only thing I have left is my trust in fate. It's because of this that I know you'll always be my soulmate. Till Later, Love Always, Bea 1 comment|post comment

It Starts [07 Sep 2001|05:09pm] [ mood | stressed ] So, I decided to go to school this year, college. I completed all of the steps, applying, enrolling, registering, yatta yatta, and thought that I was all set. However, even though I went to Buff State last year, I was in for a shock when I began school this semester at ECC. Here is a look at what it was like for me on my first day at ECC. It's 10:20. Why is it my first day here at ECC, and I'm not in class?! Well, to begin, my darling brother ran a bit late this morning. A little late? Okay, maybe not a little, how about 20 minutes! 20 minutes late on my first day at a new school. Fantastic. When we arrived, I ran out of the car and when I realized that I didn't know exactly where I was running to, I became completely lost. I felt like I was consumed in a sort of helpless fog. It seemed as though the entire world was spinning around me. I was helpless and confused. I continued to run. Why? Because if I were to stop, what would I do next? Maybe I was hoping to run into B700. Right into it. Smack! (Although with my luck, I would've ran into it with such force, I'd knock myself out and miss the entire days worth of classes.) So, finally I decided to stop and turn around. i mean, what else could I have done; I had reached the other end of the campus. Out of breath, and feening a nicotine fix, I sat at the nearest resting spot. A curb. Not just any curb though. This particular curb was perfect. not only was it on the outskirts of the campus, but conveniently facing away from the buildings. I have only been at school for a half an hour at this point and it already made me so sick I wanted to regurgitate on it and laugh. However, knowing I didn't want to repeat any incidences that occurred this morning, the curb was also conveniently located near my next class. Good thinking on my part. It's 5 O'clock now.so far, no more complaints, about school that is. i actually made it to a few classes and am almost content with my schedule. I even made it to the financial aid office without too much of a hassle. i'd say it's been pretty low stress. Thank God. At one point I didn't think any of this jumble would fall into place, but it is. I guess it had to though, I mean, it really couldn't have gotten anymore jumbled, so the only way for it to go was in the right direction. (Assuming it didn't come to a complete halt at the jumbled state.) So, my day, as far as school is concerned, has come to a close. However, we all know that the world doesn't stop when one has complete their class schedule. There are other things that come into play. Work for example. There's nothing worse than completing a full day of school and heading straight to work, right?! Wrong. What's worse is heading straight out after a complete day of school to FIND work! even so, it has to get done, and it must be accomplished today. That about sums up my first day of school experience. I hope you get the gist of it. Well, it's been real, but like I mentioned, there are so many things to be doing, I must get to work...may you have a peaceful day and love in your heart. Love Always, Bea 1 comment|post comment

Welcome to Bea's World [06 Sep 2001|08:05pm] [ mood | mellow ] Today is the day. The day for me to begin to let others in to my world. You see, everyone has their own world, however, for the first time in my life, I decided to share it with the rest. Hopefully, this will allow us all to know what the hell is happening here. So....let the journey begin. The purpose for me is to express myself through my writing. There will be all sorts of things throughout this journal, from thoughts and ideas, to poetry, music, stories, and just plain everyday entries. If you do take a minute to read what I have to say, take another minute to let me know what you think. Here's to an interesting journey, may love and peace guide you through safely. Love Always, Bea :o) post comment

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